Within Our Hearts and Homes

The State of Fatherhood in America

When I first found out that my wife and I were expecting a son, I immediately felt an enormous sense of responsibility as a father. Before even leaving the doctor’s office that day, thoughts filled my head like a cloud. I imagined all that I wanted him to be as a man. I reflected on my own failures and my successes, and I tried to predict the world that he would be raised in – a culture largely void of all the values I wanted him to possess.

I wish I would have known then what I know now.

Words, for me, are my tools of the trade. Throughout my career, I have used words to tell stories, to shape narratives, to fight political battles, and to build visions for the future. Without words, our society and our republican form of government could not exist, much less thrive. After a few years of being a dad, I realized that my tool of choice is often irrelevant. In a way, that was a relief.

My advice to any new father is to never worry about having the perfect words in every moment. But, when you don’t have the right words, don’t fill the silence with the wrong words. That’s not just free advice for parenting, that’s solid advice for life.

After noticing my son watch and emulate my behavior over and over again, I finally realized that my wording is far less important than my living. Words do matter – they can break down or build up any child. The hurtful words of a parent, especially a father, can cause generational impacts on children. However, it is clear from my experience that my son has learned far more from me by observation than instruction.

When I finally realized the actual implications of this process, my relief faded away. No matter your parenting circumstances, common sense dictates that living an idea is a lot harder than just talking about it.

My wife is a natural with kids. She amazes me with the grace in which she approaches raising our son, in every moment. Like most dads, I’m still figuring it out along the way. But from what I’ve observed, I have concluded that if I want to give my son the best chance to become something, I need to be that something first.

To clarify, I don’t mean that we necessarily need to have experienced everything our child will experience, but I do mean that we should try to exhibit the same traits that our children will need to adequately face their own trials in life. For example, you don’t have to be a professional athlete for your child to be a successful athlete. While it might help, if your children simply observe a strong personal work ethic and grit within your life, that alone will benefit their athletic pursuits.

After becoming a parent, I’ve noticed that my internal self-evaluations take on a lot more weight. If I want my son to be a man of faith, my relationship with God should be evident to him. If I want him to be healthy, I should consider my own lifestyle choices, like my diet and exercise routine. If I want him to be able to do hard things, he should regularly see me take on hard tasks, persevere, and even overcome failure.

These are tough reflections, and we are imperfect creatures. However, I don’t think being a good dad requires perfection. It requires consistency.

Ironically, a simple first step is the initial cost of that stability. Sadly today, many children suffer because their dad failed to take that first step: to show up.

According to the America First Policy Institute, America has the highest rate of children living in single-parent homes of any nation in the world. Around 80 percent of those homes are led by mothers, with more than 18 million American children now growing up without a father in the home.  The Institute further notes that fatherless children are generally “more likely to suffer from psychosocial development issues, live in poverty, drop out of school, engage in school violence, abuse substances, and enter the juvenile justice system.”

According to the Institute for Family Studies, boys are especially impacted by this trend. Young men who grow up without their biological father are less likely to go to college, less likely to work, and more likely to spend time in prison, according to their research.  Shockingly, the number of young men impacted by this phenomenon has almost doubled since 1960, with 32 percent of American boys now living apart from their biological father. It is no wonder then, that fatherless families are four times more likely to raise kids in poverty.

Studies from the National Center for Health Statistics indicate that 40 percent of children are now born out of wedlock. In addition, data clearly shows that of those children who are born into two-parent married families, many will experience a divorce.

Some estimate that 50 percent of children today will witness the divorce of their parents before they reach adulthood, and of those children whose parents divorce, 50 percent will witness a second divorce. These numbers generally track with the overall divorce rates in America: around 43 percent of first-time marriages end in divorce in the United States, according to Forbes. Second marriages are more likely to fail, at 60 percent, and third marriages are even more likely to fail, at 73 percent. Plus, the research indicates that fewer people are getting remarried after a divorce than they used to.

These topics are controversial and can be quite sensitive issues for many. I do not discuss these statistics to be critical of anyone. Every individual faces their own journey and circumstances. However, this data speaks to the larger trends in society. Clearly, modern America is filled with millions of broken marriages and fatherless children.

Yet, while these numbers outline the factual nature of our culture today, we each individually possess the ability to define our own future.

The economist Melissa Kearney has written extensively about the so-called “two-parent privilege” - a defining indicator of child well-being, as well as future stability and prosperity for those children who live with a mom and a dad. Sadly, what is now considered privilege, was once considered the norm.

We live in an age where masculinity is often not only regarded as useless, but it is regularly vilified and labeled as dangerous. Given the objective data regarding fatherless homes, I would suggest that we might need more genuine masculinity in our culture than ever – the type which produces men who honor God, who love and protect their wives and children, and who serve their communities with dignity.

As a human being, I know that no man could ever be a perfect father to their children. I am certainly no exception. However, I do daily feel the weight of my responsibility to be the best man, husband, and father that I can be.

So many men are currently frustrated by the world in which we live. From politics, to culture, to our economy, they want better for our nation. Perhaps, the first place we can start making a positive change is within our own hearts and within in our homes. Those reforms are directly within our reach and might be the most lasting and productive investments we could ever make in our lifetime. As the great Billy Graham once said, “A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society.”